Emotional Intelligence Authored by Dr Travis Bradberry
When emotional intelligence (EQ) first appeared to the masses, it served as the missing link in a peculiar finding: people with average IQs outperform those with the highest IQs 70 percent of the time. This anomaly threw a massive wrench into the broadly held assumption that IQ was the sole source of success.
Decades of research now point to emotional intelligence as being the critical factor that sets star performers apart from the rest of the pack. The connection is so strong that 90 percent of top performers have high emotional intelligence.
Emotional intelligence is the “something” in each of us that is a bit intangible. It affects how we manage behavior, navigate social complexities, and make personal decisions to achieve positive results.
Despite the significance of EQ, its intangible nature makes it difficult to measure and to know what to do to improve it if you’re lacking. You can always take a scientifically validated test, but unfortunately, most such tests aren’t free. So, I’ve analyzed the data from the million-plus people TalentSmart has tested in order to identify the behaviors that are the hallmarks of a high EQ. What follows are sure signs that you have a high EQ.
1. You have a robust emotional vocabulary
All people experience emotions, but it is a select few who can accurately identify them as they occur. Our research shows that only 36 percent of people can do this, which is problematic because unlabeled emotions often go misunderstood, which leads to irrational choices and counterproductive actions.
People with high EQs master their emotions because they understand them, and they use an extensive vocabulary of feelings to do so. While many people might describe themselves as simply feeling “bad,” emotionally intelligent people can pinpoint whether they feel “irritable,” “frustrated,” “downtrodden,” or “anxious.” The more specific your word choice, the better insight you have into exactly how you are feeling, what caused it, and what you should do about it.
2. You’re curious about people
It doesn’t matter if they’re introverted or extroverted, emotionally intelligent people are curious about everyone around them. This curiosity is the product of empathy, one of the most significant gateways to a high EQ. The more you care about other people and what they’re going through, the more curiosity you’re going to have about them.
3. You embrace change
Emotionally intelligent people are flexible and are constantly adapting. They know that fear of change is paralyzing and a major threat to their success and happiness. They look for change that is lurking just around the corner, and they form a plan of action should these changes occur.
4. You know your strengths and weaknesses
Emotionally intelligent people don’t just understand emotions; they know what they’re good at and what they’re terrible at. They also know who pushes their buttons and the environments (both situations and people) that enable them to succeed. Having a high EQ means you know your strengths and how to lean into and use them to your full advantage while keeping your weaknesses from holding you back.
5. You’re a good judge of character
Much of emotional intelligence comes down to social awareness; the ability to read other people, know what they’re about, and understand what they’re going through. Over time, this skill makes you an exceptional judge of character. People are no mystery to you. You know what they’re all about and understand their motivations, even those that lie hidden beneath the surface.
6. You are difficult to offend
If you have a firm grasp of who you are, it’s difficult for someone to say or do something that gets your goat. Emotionally intelligent people are self-confident and open-minded, which creates a pretty thick skin. You may even poke fun at yourself or let other people make jokes about you because you are able to mentally draw the line between humor and degradation.
7. You know how to say no (to yourself and others)
Emotional intelligence means knowing how to exert self-control. You delay gratification and avoid impulsive action. Research conducted at the University of California, San Francisco, shows that the more difficulty that you have saying no, the more likely you are to experience stress, burnout, and even depression. Saying no is a major self-control challenge for many people, but “No” is a powerful word that you should unafraid to wield. When it’s time to say no, emotionally intelligent people avoid phrases such as “I don’t think I can” or “I’m not certain.” Saying no to a new commitment honors your existing commitments and gives you the opportunity to successfully fulfill them.
8. You let go of mistakes
Emotionally intelligent people distance themselves from their mistakes, but do so without forgetting them. By keeping their mistakes at a safe distance, yet still handy enough to refer to, they are able to adapt and adjust for future success. It takes refined self-awareness to walk this tightrope between dwelling and remembering. Dwelling too long on your mistakes makes you anxious and gun shy, while forgetting about them completely makes you bound to repeat them. The key to balance lies in your ability to transform failures into nuggets of improvement. This creates the tendency to get right back up every time you fall down.
9. You give and expect nothing in return
When someone gives you something spontaneously, without expecting anything in return, this leaves a powerful impression. For example, you might have an interesting conversation with someone about a book, and when you see them again a month later, you show up with the book in hand. Emotionally intelligent people build strong relationships because they are constantly thinking about others.
10. You don’t hold grudges
The negative emotions that come with holding onto a grudge are actually a stress response. Just thinking about the event sends your body into fight-or-flight mode, a survival mechanism that forces you to stand up and fight or run for the hills when faced with a threat. When the threat is imminent, this reaction is essential to your survival, but when the threat is ancient history, holding onto that stress wreaks havoc on your body and can have devastating health consequences over time. In fact, researchers at Emory University have shown that holding onto stress contributes to high blood pressure and heart disease. Holding onto a grudge means you’re holding onto stress, and emotionally intelligent people know to avoid this at all costs. Letting go of a grudge not only makes you feel better now but can also improve your health.
11. You neutralize toxic people
Dealing with difficult people is frustrating and exhausting for most. But high-EQ individuals control their interactions with toxic people by keeping their feelings in check. When they need to confront a toxic person, they approach the situation rationally. They identify their own emotions and don’t allow anger or frustration to fuel the chaos. They also consider the difficult person’s standpoint and are able to find solutions and common ground. Even when things completely derail, emotionally intelligent people are able to take the toxic person with a grain of salt to avoid letting him or her bring them down.
12. You don’t seek perfection
Emotionally intelligent people won’t set perfection as their target because they know that it doesn’t exist. Human beings, by our very nature, are fallible. When perfection is your goal, you’re always left with a nagging sense of failure that makes you want to give up or reduce your effort. You end up spending time lamenting what you failed to accomplish and should have done differently instead of moving forward, excited about what you’ve achieved and what you will accomplish in the future.
13. You appreciate what you have
Taking time to contemplate what you’re grateful for isn’t merely the right thing to do; it also improves your mood by reducing the stress hormone cortisol (in some cases by 23 percent). Research conducted at the University of California, Davis, found that people who work daily to cultivate an attitude of gratitude experience improved mood, energy, and physical well-being. It’s likely that lower levels of cortisol play a major role in this.
14. You disconnect
Taking regular time off the grid is a sign of a high EQ because it helps you to keep your stress under control and to live in the moment. When you make yourself available to your work 24/7, you expose yourself to a constant barrage of stressors. Forcing yourself offline and even–gulp!–turning off your phone gives your body and mind a break. Studies have shown that something as simple as an email break can lower stress levels. Technology enables constant communication and the expectation that you should be available 24/7. It is extremely difficult to enjoy a stress-free moment outside of work when an email with the power to bring your thinking (read: stressing) back to work can drop onto your phone at any moment.
15. You limit your caffeine intake
Drinking excessive amounts of caffeine triggers the release of adrenaline, which is the primary source of a fight-or-flight response. The fight-or-flight mechanism sidesteps rational thinking in favor of a faster response to ensure survival. This is great when a bear is chasing you, but not so great when you’re responding to a curt email. When caffeine puts your brain and body into this hyper-aroused state of stress, your emotions overrun your behavior. Caffeine’s long half-life ensures you stay this way as it takes its sweet time working its way out of your body. High-EQ individuals know that caffeine is trouble, and they don’t let it get the better of them.
16. You get enough sleep
It’s difficult to overstate the importance of sleep to increasing your emotional intelligence and managing your stress levels. When you sleep, your brain literally recharges, shuffling through the day’s memories and storing or discarding them (which causes dreams) so that you wake up alert and clearheaded. High-EQ individuals know that their self-control, attention, and memory are all reduced when they don’t get enough–or the right kind–of sleep. So, they make sleep a top priority.
17. You stop negative self-talk in its tracks
The more you ruminate on negative thoughts, the more power you give them. Most of our negative thoughts are just that–thoughts, not facts. When it feels like something always or never happens, this is just your brain’s natural tendency to perceive threats (inflating the frequency or severity of an event). Emotionally intelligent people separate their thoughts from the facts in order to escape the cycle of negativity and move toward a positive, new outlook.
18. You won’t let anyone limit your joy
When your sense of pleasure and satisfaction are derived from the opinions of other people, you are no longer the master of your own happiness. When emotionally intelligent people feel good about something they’ve done, they won’t let anyone’s opinions or snide remarks take that away from them. While it’s impossible to turn off your reactions to what others think, you don’t have to compare yourself to others, and you can always take people’s opinions with a grain of salt. That way, no matter what other people are thinking or doing, your self-worth comes from within.
EVERYONE LISTENS….
We listen every day, but not all of us think of listening as a skill to be developed. Listening is a quiet, internal stance and it is easy to overlook. Like most worthwhile endeavours, learning to listen well is worthy of both our attention and effort.
I thought long and hard about how to write a blog about listening. Writing is kind of like talking. The writer chooses what to say, and the reader listens. So I decided that this blog would not be my voice, but the voices of my trusted family members, friends and colleagues. I asked them to share what they have come to know, believe and value about listening.
This is the collective wisdom of some of the best listeners I know.
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Be Interested (Jenn’s grampa)
There are amazing things all around us. There are amazing people all around us. People are remarkable. Sometimes wonderfully different and even somewhat eccentric. What a gift to be able to hear each other and expand our horizons and understandings. Be truly interested in what people have to say. My grandpa Enns talked to everyone. In fact, my grandma found it disconcerting. He never ignored people, pretended not to see them or discounted them. He listened with a sense of awe and interest, and held some of his grandchildren’s best secrets.
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Be Active (Margaret’s Children)
We are not passive – we are not just a listening receptacle. People are giving us something we need to actively receive. Look at the person, smile if appropriate, nod, lean in, give a few verbal encouragers like “yes” or “uh-huh”. It takes a lot of determination and concentration to remain active and not let our thoughts drift. We all have a million things on our mind; this is no excuse. Ask for clarification and know that if we zone out, we will not catch what they are saying and will miss the gift. My children remind me of this every so often with, “Mom, I told you this already.”
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Be Vulnerable (A Colleague)
We think telling our story makes us vulnerable, but listening places us in an equally vulnerable position. To listen, to really listen, is to open ourselves to the perspective of another, and that challenges our assumptions and understandings. When we really listen our mental box opens. We might even have a perspective shift and learn something new about ourselves and others, and all we need to do is be open. This tidbit comes from a colleague whose profession entails hearing a lot of stories that stretch boundaries.
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Be present (Children in my Neighbourhood)
Don’t bring your experience into theirs. Don’t take away from their experience by tagging yours on too quickly. When people share their lives, experiences or emotion they are giving us a valued commodity – fully receive it. I know we want to relate, but sharing our experience might just take away from theirs, and ultimately from our understanding of the person or situation. Don’t be planning a response or rebuttal so as to be ready to respond. Just listen. We will find the right words at the right time – and this is not when someone is talking.
And the truth is, sometimes we don’t have the energy, don’t know what to say, are in the presence of wiser people, or simply run out of words. In these moments listening provides us with a safe place. The children in my neighbourhood do this naturally and authentically.
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Be responsive (A Colleague)
Ask meaningful questions. Laugh if it’s fitting. Cry if you are moved. Enter their emotional landscape. Sometimes it is appropriate to share a similar experience, but usually not too quickly and certainly not to equate their experience with ours. “I know how you feel,” or “That happened to me,” is not about listening, it is about validating their experience based on ours. First fully receive, then offer a response. People need to hear they are not alone in their experience, and we may have something to share. But before we do, we should ask ourselves if this is the right time.
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Be gracious (A Neighbour)
Don’t judge people. No matter what their station or circumstance in life. Reach out with care and graciousness, open your ears and open your heart. It is natural to judge. We do it without saying a word; it happens internally. Be honest. I’m going to tell you something and your first reaction is to judge me. You tell me something, and I judge you. I think, “Really?” or “Why would they do that?” Remember that when someone opens up, it’s what they have to give – those of us listening need to simply receive. My dear friend and neighbour lives this and I am a better person as a result.
Let’s determine to bring the right mindset to our listening experiences.
What’s Important Now?
There’s a clear difference between knowing what to do and actually doing it. In every area of life, whether it’s losing weight, getting healthier, improving finances, or enhancing personal relationships, we often know what steps to take—but we don’t always take them. What’s important now is turning that knowledge into action.
“Knowing is not enough; we must apply. Being willing is not enough; we must do.” – Leonardo da Vinci
We all have goals: to be healthier, wealthier, or more fulfilled. We know the actions required to reach these goals, whether it’s saving money, improving relationships, or developing new habits. However, the challenge isn’t in the knowing—it’s in the doing. It’s easy to get stuck in a cycle of procrastination, making excuses, or blaming circumstances for our lack of progress.
Think about the areas in your life where you already know what to do but haven’t taken the necessary steps:
- Health: You know the exercise and diet plans you should follow, but often find it hard to commit.
- Finances: You understand how to budget, save, and invest, but putting those plans into action can feel overwhelming.
- Relationships: You know how to improve communication and spend quality time with loved ones, but it requires effort and consistency.
- Technology: You know you should spend less time on screens and more time engaging in real-world activities, but old habits are hard to break.
So, what’s important now? It’s time to stop making excuses and start taking action. The key to progress is to move from knowledge to execution. True growth happens when we take responsibility for our actions, set clear goals, and commit to doing what needs to be done, even when it feels challenging.
Procrastination and blaming others are common obstacles, but they hold us back from achieving the success we desire. To make real progress in life, we need to focus on doing, not just knowing. Embrace the challenge of taking action. Stop waiting for the “perfect moment” or for things to change on their own. You have the power to create change in your life now.
What’s important now? Take action today. Whether it’s small or large steps, begin the process of turning your intentions into reality. Stop complaining, stop blaming, and become a “Doer.” The path to success isn’t in knowing—it’s in doing.
For more inspiration and tools to help you take action, visit Life’s Most Powerful Question. It’s time to shift from knowing to doing. Make it happen today!
Have you ever been to a therapist or sought council thru someone? It can be a horrible experience or the start of an amazing fresh approach to what you dealing with.
We need therapists. For numerous reasons. Financial, marriage, grief, sleep, eating, spiritual, physical, massage, etc are some examples. To know if the therapist we are going to is effective, we typically quickly assess the situation and ask ourselves – are my needs being met, are my experiences being validated, does what I am going thru feel like it matters, do I feel like the hour is just another hour on their watch and they want to get thru the day themselves….
If you’ve never been to therapy, how do we know what to expect? There will be an initial gathering of information – paperwork, questions, hurry up and wait, I just want to get out of here, there’s other people here – who do I know, who is going to see me…..
We go to a dentist for routine exams and typically we know what to expect. Taking care of our teeth is a normal routine. But going to some stranger and pouring out our heart and verbal mess can be difficult. We can walk away with shame, guilt, anger, frustration and such, but these are emotions to be expected as we start the process. It’s because we have things to work on and it’s uncertain of how long it’ll take to fix the situation we are going thru or it can seem that there’s so much to deal with and I’m better off just sucking it up and carry on . Remember, we are looking for guidance, help, direction, support, advice to assist us thru what we are going thru.
To find out what people wish they knew about seeing a therapist, we asked some of our clients to share a piece of advice no one tells you about going to therapy.
Here’s what they shared with us:
1. “Therapy leaves you feeling drained, raw and/or vulnerable. You have to give yourself time after a session to process what was talked [about] and rejuvenate. That could be taking a nap, taking a warm bath, exercising. I find I have to practice the best self-care after my therapy sessions.” – Nancy P.
2. “You [may] have to repeat your story over and over. It starts to not feel real in your own head and you will feel guilty about being there. But remind yourself it’s OK to be asking for help.” –Dale G.
3. “It’s all about connecting with your therapist. Therapy is not ‘one size fits all.’ It’s important to allow yourself [the] opportunity to make sure you have the best person working with you. Having a trusting and open relationship with your therapist is vital! Don’t be afraid to speak up if you find your therapist isn’t the best for you.” — Lauren L.
4. “You have to be 100 percent honest and if you don’t feel comfortable telling the first few therapists, then it’s OK to change them. Not everyone is a good fit.” –John R.
5. “Therapy takes effort and work.” –Megan A.
6. “It takes time to see improvement. You need to continue seeing your therapist so they can evaluate your mental state over time.” –Norm A.
7. “Advocate for yourself. It’s worth it if you work it. You’re worth it.” – Bob C.
8. “You [might] feel worse before it gets better. Learn how to ground yourself so you have a safe strong place you can go to within yourself.” — Tasha B
9. “Therapy is not a one-visit fix.” –Wendy A.
10. “In the beginning there will probably be many times you feel like giving it up because it seems like the easier option. Stick it out though. It’s worth it in the long run.” –John M.
11. “It’s not about laying dramatically on a chaise lounge only talking about your feelings. The therapist is there to help you challenge yourself to be the best that you can be. But it comes with a cost. It can be extremely painful at times and you may feel really bad for a few days reflecting on what was brought to the surface, but then you’ll learn how to heal correctly. You just have to continue going.” — Adrian K.
12. “The therapist is there for you. You (or insurance) are paying for their time. However long your appointment is, that time is yours. Use it to your advantage and talk about whatever you need to. Also, be open and honest with the therapist. That’s the only way it’ll work for your benefit. If you can’t be honest with them, it’s important to know you can find another therapist you’re comfortable with. The first time or first therapist might not be the right fit, but there is one that will be.” — Ming L.
13. “Building and establishing a rapport with a therapist takes time. It’s like a building a relationship with anybody else. The difference is, however, is that the therapist is an objective voice and perspective to the chaos going on in and outside of your head.” — Al F.
14. “There’s no shame. ‘Therapy’ can be treated as such a scary word, and although yes, the experience of starting sessions can be daunting, I know, but really, that word should be about how you have every right to be there to help yourself feel better and you shouldn’t feel embarrassed or like a failure for deciding to go. It’s your first step to getting better and the road may be long and challenging at times, but you won’t be alone for the journey.” — James H.
15. “You deserve and have a right to be there. For awhile in the beginning, I was always worried my therapist would tell me my problems aren’t legitimate enough to take her time away from people with real issues that need real help. Your problems are different from everyone else’s, but they’re 100 percent valid and deserve just as much of your therapists attention as anyone else.” — Audrey S.
16. “Even if your first, or second or third therapist isn’t right for you, don’t rule it out. My CBT therapist actually cried in my sessions, while I was explaining my history. She was also very stereotypical in the fact that I mentioned one small disagreement with my mum and suddenly everything wrong with me was my mum’s fault. But my other counselor was wonderful! She did everything she could to help me. What I’m saying is, just because you may have some therapists who don’t mesh with you, don’t rule it out entirely.” — Rebecca D.
17. “You’ll have moments where you doubt why you’re even there in the first place, it leaves you emotionally exhausted and crying, or even completely drained – but it works. There has never been a day when I’ve had therapy and I haven’t felt incredibly safe and supported. It’s crucial to have that support.” — Erica U.
18. “Try to plan an agenda before your session so when you go in, you’re more prepared. Often times, I would be down to the last five minutes and I would just start to bring up something important that I needed to discuss. The therapy 45-minute window goes by quickly and if you have a plan, you’ll feel more satisfied afterwards.” — Alyssa H.
19. “As a therapist, one thing I always hear is, ‘You won’t believe it’s true but…’ or, ‘I feel so ashamed of…’ There is no judgment going into therapy. Each person has their story and no story is alike.” — Jessica L.
20. “Sometimes you honestly don’t know what to say and it’s hard to get across exactly what you want in the time you have. This can sometimes make you feel like you shouldn’t have gone at all because you wasted their time, but you haven’t! They are there to help you.” — Jessica S.
21. “Skip the awkward getting-to-know you crap and get down to business. Their job is to see people at their worst; you’re not going to surprise them. Don’t waste sessions (and money), just jump right in!” — Rebecca D.
22. “Therapy is about finding your own answers for yourself. You need the time between sessions to discover the answers for yourself, and those answers can lead you in a completely different direction.” — Matt C.
23. “It’s like a dirty wound. You have to open it up and poor on peroxide and it will hurt so badly you’ll wonder why you’re doing it, but in the long run you were just cleaning it out so it can heal better. Therapy will be difficult but worth it.” — Trevor W.
Building Resilience: The Key to Overcoming Challenges and Achieving Goals
As we navigate through life, whether it’s in our academic pursuits or personal goals, we often reach significant milestones—end of semesters, school years, or personal achievements. At these times, we reflect on our journey: Has it been hard work? Was it worth it?
Resilience, self-confidence, and the internal belief that “I can do this” are shaped in many ways. The support we receive, the encouragement from others, and the resources available to us can make all the difference. Our early experiences—whether in school, work, or personal relationships—set the foundation for how we view ourselves and the world around us. These experiences shape our ability to navigate life’s challenges, both socially and academically.
However, not everyone has the luxury of positive first experiences. Whether it’s struggling in school, facing difficulties in making friends, or managing emotions, negative early outcomes can lead to a lack of self-confidence. Without the right support, these challenges can feel insurmountable.
On the other hand, those who experience early successes often see themselves as effective and capable. These individuals tend to develop resilience, seeing challenges as opportunities to grow rather than as roadblocks. When faced with failure, their confidence and belief in their abilities drive them to keep going. Over time, they build proficiency in various areas of life, overcoming obstacles and setbacks with determination.
For those who struggle with self-doubt, the cycle can be different. A lack of confidence may lead to resignation after initial failure. However, those who view themselves as capable often push through early failures. The key difference lies in their commitment to their goals. While feelings of incapability can lead to giving up, a sense of competence fosters continued effort, even in the face of difficulties.
Strengthening Your Commitment to Your Goals: Building Resilience
If you find yourself facing setbacks or struggling to stay committed to your goals, here are some strategies to help strengthen your resilience and perseverance:
- Do a Pros and Cons List: Evaluate the benefits of sticking to your goal versus giving up. Understanding the consequences of both options can help clarify your decision.
- Ask Yourself, “What’s the Worst That Could Happen?” Often, the worst outcome is lost time, energy, or pride. Knowing that failure is not the end can ease the fear of trying again.
- Create a Cheerleading Squad: Surround yourself with people who believe in you and will offer encouragement when your motivation wanes. Positive support can make a significant difference.
- Take Small Steps Toward Your Goal: Break your goal down into manageable steps. Small wins lead to greater confidence and make the journey less overwhelming.
- Incentivize Yourself: Give yourself rewards for achieving those small milestones. This can keep you motivated and focused on your progress.
- Reflect on Your “Why”: Remind yourself why you set this goal in the first place. Reconnecting with your deeper motivations can reignite your drive.
- Practice, Practice, Practice: Whether you’re learning a new skill, preparing for an important presentation, or trying to master an instrument, practice is essential. Don’t wait for high-stakes situations to improve; practice when the pressure is lower to build your confidence and competence.
Resilience is not an inherent trait but rather a skill that can be developed over time. There’s no one-size-fits-all approach to overcoming challenges, but the willingness to keep going after setbacks is often what separates success from failure. The ability to get up, try again, and persist in the face of adversity is what ultimately leads to personal growth and achievement.
Remember, building resilience is a journey, not a destination. The commitment to keep moving forward, no matter the obstacles, will set you on the path to success. Keep going.
