by Diana Festejo | Jun 30, 2020 | Client Stories
A Rural Firefighter’s Journey with Trauma and Resilience
The Question I Always Get After a Shift
As a rural fire department paramedic, I often get asked the same question after finishing a long shift: “Did you have a bad night?” My wife, Michelle, is the one who asks. Most mornings, I respond with, “It was all right.” But some shifts are harder to forget.
A Call That Shook Me
A few months ago, during one particular shift, things took a dramatic turn. Shortly after 3 p.m., my partner and I were dispatched to a call about a child struck by a vehicle. As we headed to the scene, an update came over the radio: “Shots fired, multiple victims.” My anxiety levels shot up as I mentally prepared for what I might encounter. When we arrived, chaos unfolded before us.
The scene was overwhelming. A middle-aged man was receiving CPR from firefighters after suffering a gunshot wound. Nearby, a teenager was also receiving medical attention, and I quickly assessed their condition. Then, a firefighter directed me to the child struck by the car. I uncovered the blanket to reveal the extent of the toddler’s injuries, and I knew there was nothing we could do.
The Increasing Frequency of Violent Calls
This call, which involved violence and tragedy, is just one of many I’ve responded to during my 9 years with the department. A few years ago, calls like this one were rare. Now, they seem to happen more frequently, with stabbings, shootings, and violence appearing at least once or twice a week.
The First Traumatic Call I Remember
The first tragic call I remember was for an infant who wasn’t breathing. I arrived to find a child who appeared to have starved to death, and there was nothing I could do. It was the worst thing I had ever seen, and it’s still a memory I carry with me.
Calls Involving Children Are Especially Hard
Calls involving children are especially difficult for me since becoming a father. A few years ago, I responded to three fatal shootings in one shift. These experiences leave their mark, and some calls are too painful to relive. Even nonviolent calls can pose risks. Once, a rural firefighter was shot while transferring a patient into an ambulance, a reminder that danger is always present.
Why I Love What I Do
Despite the trauma, I love what I do. I joined the rural fire department after high school, following in my father’s footsteps, and later became a paramedic. Over the years, I’ve witnessed the transformation of our town into a small city, and my commitment to helping people remains unwavering.
How I Cope with the Stress of the Job
On the scene, my training takes over. I focus on the task at hand, caring for the victims and completing necessary procedures. There’s no time to form emotional attachments. When the shift ends, I try to leave the emotions behind, although it’s not always easy. My department prioritizes mental health, offering debriefings and support after critical incidents to help emergency workers cope with stress.
The Importance of Debriefing and Peer Support
For example, after a traumatic call involving a child’s death, we hold diffusing sessions where we can share what we saw and how we feel. These sessions help us process the trauma before it becomes overwhelming. Additionally, a peer support team provides an outlet for those who need someone to listen. While not counselors, they offer a safe space to talk.
Lingering Thoughts After the Scene
The events of that tragic day linger in my mind. The 2-year-old who was hit by a vehicle, the shooter who took the life of a man, and the wounded teenager. The aftermath was chaotic, and even after my report was completed, I continued to care for others at the scene.
Reflecting on the Shift
Later, when the adrenaline wore off and the shift ended, I found myself reflecting on the details of the day. It’s always hardest when the shift is over and I’m heading home. I walk through the door, exhausted, and my family is eager for my attention. But how do I explain the horrors I witnessed? I don’t. I simply tell them I’m fine and go take a nap. It’s not easy, but it’s the reality of my job.
by Diana Festejo | Dec 13, 2019 | Client Stories
Will You Be a Friend? Or Just an Acquaintance?
This is a plea for all of us to be more compassionate about a specific issue—suicide. A plea to accept some discomfort on our part to support someone who desperately needs it. You may already feel uncomfortable just reading these words, even though you don’t know where this is going.
If you’re compassionate, you’ll continue reading anyway. If you aim to become a better person each day, you’ll read all of this and give it serious thought. Please note, this is not a lecture, but a classroom-style approach intended to expand understanding. It is not my place to lecture anyone, nor is that my purpose.
The Discomfort of Facing Emotional Pain
When faced with something emotionally upsetting, we often shy away from it. That’s a natural, instinctive reaction. Over time, we learn to overcome this impulse, developing courage, judgment, and compassion. Compassion takes courage.
John Wayne once said, “Courage isn’t not being afraid. It’s being scared to death and saddling up anyway.” This applies to emotional situations just as much as it applies to physical danger. Now, let’s dive into a topic that makes many of us uncomfortable: death—specifically suicide.
Friend Addressing the Topic of Suicide
Even though death is a normal part of life, we’re often uneasy talking about it—unless it’s in a movie or a book. While we handle the death of someone we know with relative ease, suicide presents a unique challenge.
When we learn that someone has died, we ask if it was an accident, cancer, or another cause. We talk about the person and their passing. But when it comes to suicide, the conversation often stops abruptly. We revert to hushed tones and avoid the topic altogether.
What do we do for the grieving relatives of someone who died by suicide? Some attend the funeral and offer support for a few weeks. Others simply send condolences and then move on. Sadly, many avoid the situation entirely. It’s too uncomfortable for them.
The Parent’s Perspective
The most tragic situation is that of the parent who loses a child. Losing a child, no matter their age, is an incomparable pain. Picking out a casket for your son or daughter is unimaginable. And ordering the grave marker is just as difficult.
Let’s look at this through a “Us vs. Them” lens to better understand compassion.
Us vs. Them: The Discomfort We Avoid
US: We feel upset, wondering what to say, what to avoid, and how to help. We wonder why the child took their life, and some might even think, “That could never happen to my child.” We push these uncomfortable thoughts aside as we return to our daily lives.
THEM: The parent’s thoughts are far more profound and painful. They are asking, “Why didn’t I see the pain?” or “What did I miss in raising my child?” Feelings of failure, guilt, and a massive, aching hole in their hearts take over. The weight of the loss is constant, and often, people simply don’t know how to be there for them.
How We Can Offer Compassion
There is no perfect way to handle grief, especially after suicide. But here are some ways to reach out and provide support:
- Be There: You can’t take away their pain, but you can listen. Acknowledge that you can’t imagine what they are going through, but you care.
- Avoid Offering Unsolicited Advice: Don’t try to “fix” their grief. Don’t tell them to forgive themselves or try to explain their child’s actions.
- Don’t Make Assumptions: Never say, “I understand,” unless you’ve been through the same experience. Losing a child is something you can’t truly comprehend unless you’ve experienced it yourself.
- Be Silent When Needed: Sometimes the best thing you can do is sit quietly and be present. Don’t rush to fill the silence.
Support Over Time
Grief doesn’t have a set timeline. It’s important to check in with the grieving person regularly—especially in the first year. Special days like birthdays, anniversaries, and holidays will be incredibly painful, so reaching out on those days can be meaningful.
If you are geographically distant, sending texts or making phone calls is a powerful way to stay connected. If they’re not ready for support, respect their wishes. Sometimes the best thing you can do is wait.
Being a True Friend
Reaching out to someone grieving the loss of a child requires courage. It’s not always easy, but it’s a simple act of caring. Would you put in the emotional work for a friend in their darkest time, just as you would for physical labor after an accident?
Ultimately, the question is: Will you decide to risk being more compassionate? Will you be a friend, or will you simply be an acquaintance?
