Friend or an acquaintance?
Will You Be a Friend? Or Just an Acquaintance?
This is a plea for all of us to be more compassionate about a specific issue—suicide. A plea to accept some discomfort on our part to support someone who desperately needs it. You may already feel uncomfortable just reading these words, even though you don’t know where this is going.
If you’re compassionate, you’ll continue reading anyway. If you aim to become a better person each day, you’ll read all of this and give it serious thought. Please note, this is not a lecture, but a classroom-style approach intended to expand understanding. It is not my place to lecture anyone, nor is that my purpose.
The Discomfort of Facing Emotional Pain
When faced with something emotionally upsetting, we often shy away from it. That’s a natural, instinctive reaction. Over time, we learn to overcome this impulse, developing courage, judgment, and compassion. Compassion takes courage.
John Wayne once said, “Courage isn’t not being afraid. It’s being scared to death and saddling up anyway.” This applies to emotional situations just as much as it applies to physical danger. Now, let’s dive into a topic that makes many of us uncomfortable: death—specifically suicide.
Friend Addressing the Topic of Suicide
Even though death is a normal part of life, we’re often uneasy talking about it—unless it’s in a movie or a book. While we handle the death of someone we know with relative ease, suicide presents a unique challenge.
When we learn that someone has died, we ask if it was an accident, cancer, or another cause. We talk about the person and their passing. But when it comes to suicide, the conversation often stops abruptly. We revert to hushed tones and avoid the topic altogether.
What do we do for the grieving relatives of someone who died by suicide? Some attend the funeral and offer support for a few weeks. Others simply send condolences and then move on. Sadly, many avoid the situation entirely. It’s too uncomfortable for them.
The Parent’s Perspective
The most tragic situation is that of the parent who loses a child. Losing a child, no matter their age, is an incomparable pain. Picking out a casket for your son or daughter is unimaginable. And ordering the grave marker is just as difficult.
Let’s look at this through a “Us vs. Them” lens to better understand compassion.
Us vs. Them: The Discomfort We Avoid
US: We feel upset, wondering what to say, what to avoid, and how to help. We wonder why the child took their life, and some might even think, “That could never happen to my child.” We push these uncomfortable thoughts aside as we return to our daily lives.
THEM: The parent’s thoughts are far more profound and painful. They are asking, “Why didn’t I see the pain?” or “What did I miss in raising my child?” Feelings of failure, guilt, and a massive, aching hole in their hearts take over. The weight of the loss is constant, and often, people simply don’t know how to be there for them.
How We Can Offer Compassion
There is no perfect way to handle grief, especially after suicide. But here are some ways to reach out and provide support:
- Be There: You can’t take away their pain, but you can listen. Acknowledge that you can’t imagine what they are going through, but you care.
- Avoid Offering Unsolicited Advice: Don’t try to “fix” their grief. Don’t tell them to forgive themselves or try to explain their child’s actions.
- Don’t Make Assumptions: Never say, “I understand,” unless you’ve been through the same experience. Losing a child is something you can’t truly comprehend unless you’ve experienced it yourself.
- Be Silent When Needed: Sometimes the best thing you can do is sit quietly and be present. Don’t rush to fill the silence.
Support Over Time
Grief doesn’t have a set timeline. It’s important to check in with the grieving person regularly—especially in the first year. Special days like birthdays, anniversaries, and holidays will be incredibly painful, so reaching out on those days can be meaningful.
If you are geographically distant, sending texts or making phone calls is a powerful way to stay connected. If they’re not ready for support, respect their wishes. Sometimes the best thing you can do is wait.
Being a True Friend
Reaching out to someone grieving the loss of a child requires courage. It’s not always easy, but it’s a simple act of caring. Would you put in the emotional work for a friend in their darkest time, just as you would for physical labor after an accident?
Ultimately, the question is: Will you decide to risk being more compassionate? Will you be a friend, or will you simply be an acquaintance?